My name is Jessica and I am an addict. That was probably the first honest thing I said to myself and others in a twelve-step meeting after a 9 year run with opioids.
I was born and raised in Lebanon, TN. I come from a family that has substance use disorders and mental health diagnosis’. I grew up in a public housing unit and remember most of my childhood memories playing in a concrete ditch behind mine and my grandmothers home. I used to spend a lot of time with my grandmother, my uncles and my aunt. Summers were hot and winters were cold. Nothing else mattered as long as my family was around.
As I got older, many members of my family started dying. I felt empty. I felt different. I had pain inside of me from my father abandoning me and watching dirt be thrown on the people I love at a cemetery. I was always a straight A student with perfect attendance. I enjoyed learning and spending time with my friends in school.
When I turned 13 years old, I was hanging out with people who were much older than me. I was meeting many people who were in active addiction but at that time I thought they were cool. I did not know that one pill would forever change my life. I had never smoked a cigarette, never smoked weed nor drank alcohol at this point. The night I snorted a line of OxyContin, my innocence died. I immediately felt something that I knew had to be dangerous but the feeling of that one pill felt like it was exactly what I had been missing.
From that point forward, my addiction progressed. I started off working and paying for my own supply. It was not long after that I found myself selling drugs to support my habit. I found myself doing the same things I said I would never do. Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, selling my body and selling my soul to the devil. But it was always just that “one more” pill then I would be done.
My addiction grew to love not only opioids but benzodiazepines as well. Once I discovered that I could block out memories due to blacking out, that is when the trouble came.
I experienced multiple visits to jails and institutions. Rehabs were a safe place for me to clean up just enough to leave and start all over again. I had built a tolerance so high that it was necessary for me to take small breaks so I could feel that feeling I first felt, just one more time.
That one more time never came. But what did come was criminal charges, upset family members and complete torment to my goals and dreams.
Through my years of addiction, I buried more friends than not. People who had become my family when I felt distant from mine. Some day, I pray those wounds heal but I know time has not been in my favor.
When I turned 21, I thought the day finally came that I could stop using drugs. I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest son and I just knew that was my way out of addiction. Unfortunately, I had a rude awakening right in front of me. I continued to use drugs throughout my pregnancy and eventually had an early, emergency c-section. I think god knew that one day I would get my life together and be the mother I was destined to be because my baby came out negative for all substances. There is no tangible explanation.
After the birth, I continued to use and was sent home with many pain pills from the same doctors who knew I had a substance use disorder. When my son was 6 months old, I experienced my last Opioid overdose. A Lebanon fire fighter thought my life was worth saving and saved me at a gas station while he was off duty. Following this complete disaster, my mother had me make my own funeral plans. At this point in my life, I had just accepted that I would die in active addiction.
A few months later, something happened inside of me and I felt like there was something more to life than drugs. I spent the next few months inside of an inpatient treatment facility. While in detox, it was my sons first birthday and I wanted to leave. I was not leaving to go spend time with my son and we all knew that but the feelings were so overwhelmingly painful. My counselor looked me dead in my eyes and he said “Jessica, if you stay, you never have to miss another birthday. If you leave, you will never live to see another one.” I knew what he was saying was the truth and he literally saved my life that night. I decided to stay and followed treatment with moving to Knoxville, TN to an Oxford House. While here, I began to attend twelve-step meetings, got a homegroup, got a sponsor, began doing service work and started doing the twelve steps. I seen my son every so often and still have much gratitude for my family stepping up to help when I was too weak to ask.
I found out I was pregnant with my second son while I was still in the structured living facility. I knew I was not ready as I did not even have my first son in my custody. I knew I had two options: grow up and take care of my responsibilities or be the same girl who always ran. I decided to grow up that day.
I spent the next few years gaining my drivers license, making financial amends, getting my own apartment, getting my own vehicle, getting my oldest son back, giving birth to my youngest son and finding a job at a local treatment facility. I spent years volunteering to distribute Narcan in my communities. I was building relationships back with my family and also creating a beautiful recovery family here.
I have been beyond blessed on this journey. There are many days that I struggle but I do not leave before the miracle happens. My favorite quote from a twelve-step fellowship is “Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise.”
My life is proof that we do recover. I have become a mother, sister, daughter and friend. I am physically and emotionally available for my children and my family today. I am a responsible, productive member of society and god watches out for me. I have been given opportunities that society said were not possible. I have amazing people in my life and two of the most perfect boys I have ever met. The fact that I now serve our community as a Regional Overdose Prevention Specialist is just the spiritual part of my journey that has come full circle.
July 23, 2022 I will be celebrating 6 years in recovery. It has been a long journey and I am no where near the finish line. I pray for many more years to come. My goal in life is to love someone so much that they decide to give themselves a chance at a lifestyle that is in their reach. I want to never give up on the people that society has written off. People like me, who deserve as many chances as it takes. People like me, who deserve love and life. Addiction is not a choice. It is a chronic, progressive medical disease. As long as I have a breath in my body, I will continue to fight the stigma against addiction. Every single person in recovery has a story that has saved someone else’s’ life. I am grateful that someone decided to share theirs, show me that I am not alone in this journey and teach me that no matter what, I never have to use drugs again.
Do you have a recovery story that you’d like to share? Email Ashlee Crouse at acrouse@metrodrug.org.